Why do you choose your pain
If you only knew
How much I love you, Love you
I won’t be your winter
I won’t be anyone’s excuse to cry
and we can be forgiven
And I will be here.
Old picture on the shelf
Well it’s been there for a while
Frozen image of ourselves
We were acting like a child
You read my eyes just like your diary
Oh remember, please remember…
I connect with the spirit of my late best friend via music. When she was alive and we were growing up it was a major part of our life. Musicfests, Jams and concerts.. it’s kind if what we did. It was something we enjoyed alone and together and our tastes were very similar, even though she despised the smashing pumpkins and I rather liked them!
There are moments when I realize that I’m still reeling from her passing. I cried every single day the first year and if I’m being honest with myself, I binge ate every single day during this second year. These days I find myself welling up, choking back tears or bawling my eyes out at every song I hear that reminds me of her. There is a song by Sister Hazel called Your Winter and when I heard it on the radio in the jeep a few months ago I had to pull over. I had goosebumps and an overwhelming feeling of connectedness and then a rush of utter despair. I felt like she was with me, telling me it was okay and that she really didn’t want me to cry anymore. That’s just near impossible because it still hurts so fucking much.
I’m likely making this all up in my head, maybe that’s just what I need to do to get me through this. What can I say. On January 15th she would have turned thirty five years old. She led a short, tough life that was unforgiving. She had a mental illness but there was so much more to her, she wasn’t just her disease. I am guilty of stepping away from her when she was too sick to deal with rationally and when her illness and behavior were toxic to my own recovery. I can’t forgive myself for that. This is the first time I’ve publicly acknowledged this part of my melancholy.
Now I’m rather hormonal this evening, feeling wistful and nostalgic as the year comes to a close. Sad to have a second holiday season without her here on earth and am really kind of dreading her birthday… So what am I going to do about it? I think I’ll make a gift for her mama. That’s constructive right? I think I’ll end here now, put my snotty over-emotional self to bed. Carrie was a good girl, a sweet girl and I miss her…