I won’t be your winter…

Why do you choose your pain
If you only knew
How much I love you, Love you
I won’t be your winter
I won’t be anyone’s excuse to cry
and we can be forgiven
And I will be here.
Old picture on the shelf
Well it’s been there for a while
Frozen image of ourselves
We were acting like a child
You read my eyes just like your diary
Oh remember, please remember…
I connect with the spirit of my late best friend via music. When she was alive and we were growing up it was a major part of our life. Musicfests, Jams and concerts.. it’s kind if what we did. It was something we enjoyed alone and together and our tastes were very similar, even though she despised the smashing pumpkins and I rather liked them!
There are moments when I realize that I’m still reeling from her passing. I cried every single day the first year and if I’m being honest with myself, I binge ate every single day during this second year. These days I find myself welling up, choking back tears or bawling my eyes out at every song I hear that reminds me of her. There is a song by Sister Hazel called Your Winter and when I heard it on the radio in the jeep a few months ago I had to pull over. I had goosebumps and an overwhelming feeling of connectedness and then a rush of utter despair. I felt like she was with me, telling me it was okay and that she really didn’t want me to cry anymore. That’s just near impossible because it still hurts so fucking much.
I’m likely making this all up in my head, maybe that’s just what I need to do to get me through this. What can I say. On January 15th she would have turned thirty five years old. She led a short, tough life that was unforgiving. She had a mental illness but there was so much more to her, she wasn’t just her disease. I am guilty of stepping away from her when she was too sick to deal with rationally and when her illness and behavior were toxic to my own recovery. I can’t forgive myself for that. This is the first time I’ve publicly acknowledged this part of my melancholy.
Now I’m rather hormonal this evening, feeling wistful and nostalgic as the year comes to a close. Sad to have a second holiday season without her here on earth and am really kind of dreading her birthday… So what am I going to do about it? I think I’ll make a gift for her mama. That’s constructive right? I think I’ll end here now, put my snotty over-emotional self to bed. Carrie was a good girl, a sweet girl and I miss her…

20121230-215144.jpg

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “I won’t be your winter…

  1. kittenmittensjm says:

    Hi there,

    First of all, I have to say that I also found songs from Sister Hazel that related to my own loss!! How funny. I’m not alone :).

    Anyway, I know your pain. It’s palpable. I know how hard any meaningful dates are to you, how every single song, poem, movie, whatever, reminded my of my mom (different person, but still a loss). It’s so hard when you are feeling guilty, but please try to remember that guilt isn’t allowing you to be free to love the person that’s still in your heart. In fact, it could be keeping you from letting that person move to that new place in your heart…and the guilt isn’t going to go away until you realize that you always did the best you could.

    You’re only human, so you made mistakes. It’s okay. You’ll learn from it, right?

    I’m so sorry you’re hurting so much. I can literally feel your pain and distress jumping off the screen. I hope you have a good support network, but grief is complicated. You’ll be okay…the rough stuff means you are just actively working through your problems.

    -Sunny

    • thedivinemiss says:

      Dear Sunny,

      You are very kind and I appreciate your words of support and yes, you are not alone — and thank you for reminding me that I’m not either!!

      Grieving is a journey I never wished to embark on and I’m not sure it gets better per se.. maybe it’s just different. I’m working on cultivating a better support network, I’ve recently just moved so that kind of takes time. My partner is great about it though but still it’s a heavy burden for just one person to hold.

      I’m really touched you took the time to respond. I’m truly sorry that you can relate to any of this through your own loss. I wish you prosperous and happy New Year…

      Most Sincerely,
      Amanda

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s