Sorrow in the rear view…

Our Petunia’s cancer has relapsed.  It seems that four weeks after she went into remission, Petunia is sick again.  There were not very many noticeable signs, actually hardly any…except maybe she was not eating as much as she was the week before.

Cancer is so ugly.    Just recently my beloved’s father was diagnosed with colon cancer; he underwent surgery to remove part of his colon and gall bladder and though he did get pneumonia in the hospital; we’re holding  on to the Doctor’s hope that he’ll be just fine.  Did I mention it’s ugly regardless if it’s in humans or animals?   Somehow seeing it ravage our little girl is a bit more than I can take.

It’s only the beginning of May and this has already been one of the saddest years of my life.   Early on Jennifer lost one of her former employees, Ruth, whom I had known as well. My paternal grandfather passed away in January. On Valentine’s Day Petunia was diagnosed with an un-diagnosable cancer.  Three weeks ago my beautiful  best friend Carrie died so tragically and out of the blue and two weeks ago Jenn’s dad was told he had the big C and underwent a major surgery.  I almost feel like just holding out my plate and saying, “go ahead, fill ‘er up, I can take it.”  I mean what the hell, we have seven more months to go, what else could we add to this?  I don’t however want to tempt fate and invite anything else to happen, so I’ll set my heavy plate down and just start swallowing.

Tonight as I left work my Jennifer followed behind.  She took Petunia in her car so they could have a ‘little talk.”   From my rear view mirror I watched my beautiful lover cry and talk with her kitty.   It hurt so much to watch.   I wish that my love alone could heal Petunia and the pain inside of Jenn’s heart…but unfortunately that’s just not a reality.

So tonight, since I can’t sleep… I’m just going to let it go.   Right now I’m done thinking about all these sad, sad circumstances.  I’m done crying and I’m done being scared of what might come next.  I don’t know how I will feel in the morning, but tonight, I’m going to give these feelings away.


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